Joke 2 da max!!!

1. pare 1:pare prang malalim iniisip mo
pare2:pare nanaginip ako kagabi ksma q 50 contestants ng miss universe.
pare1:anu prob dun?
pare2:pare, ako nanalo...

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philippine presidents
The Philippine presidents flying in a plane.
GMA: what if I throw a check for a million pesos out the window to make atleast 1 Filipino happy?
CORY: but my dear, why don't you throw 2 checks for half a million each and thus make two Filipinos happy?
RAMOS: why not throw four checks for a quarter of a million each and make four Filipinos happy?
And on it went until finally, Erap blurts out:
"but madam president, why not simply throw yourself out of the window and make all the Filipinos happy?"
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guro:sino si jose rizal?
juan: dko po kilala.
guro:ikaw pepe?
pepe:dko rin po kilala..
guro: DI NYO KILALA SI JOSE RIZAL!?!
pedro:mam, baka po nasa kabilang section sya..
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isang eroplano ang babagsak...
captain:mayday mayday!!emergency landing mayday mayday!!!

biglang may umextrang ngongo...
ngongo: mayday??cnong may mayday?? hapi mayday!!
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rush hour in a bus.3 girls had to sit on 3 boy's lap.

girl1:r u comp engineer?
boy1: yes, why?
girl1:your hardware is accessing my software.

girl2:r u mechanical engineer?
boy2:yes,why?
girl2: your piston is trying to slide into my cylinder.

girl3:r u a civil engineer?
boy3:yes, why?
girl3:your tower is so high, it reached my heaven
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Girl's Prayer

Dasal ng mga babae:

Sa edad na 20-"Lord, I want the best man"
Sa edad na 25-"Lord, I want the good man"
Sa edad na 35-"Lord, I want any man"
Sa edad na 40-"Lord, please naman...."Girl's Prayer
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Dalawang mag-barkada nag-uusap:

Tristan: Bakit lumaki yung paa ni Mae?

Ian: Sinipa yung punso!

Tristan: Bakit lumaki yung nguso ni Otan?

Tristan: Dinuraan yung punso. O pare saan ka pupunta?

Ian: Iihi sa punso!
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~~~ ANAK : Nay, pakaksalan daw po ako ni Jeff?.....
INA : Yun naman pala, pero bakitmalungkot ka?.....
ANAK : Kasi po wala po siyang religion, di siya naniniwala saDiyos, at di naniniwalang may langit at impyerno.....
INA : Sige, pakasalan mo nasiya....sa ating dalawa niya malalaman na may langit at impyerno!!!~~~
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minsan may maglola...
apo: lola pakurot nga ng pisngi mo??
lola: sige apo kurot na...
apo: lola pakurot nga ng braso mo??
lola: sige kurot lng!
apo: lola pakurot nga ng bilbil mo??
lola: love you! hindi kobilbil yan suso ko yan!
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Isang araw may isang bata nag-ngangalang gareth, si gareth ay sumali sa isangradio contest para maging VJ.. Kaso may kalaban cia.. Tapos, sabi ng may ari ngstation natalo si Gareth.. Pag uwi ni Gareth.. Tuwang-tuwa ung nanay ni Gareth.Sabi ng inay "Gareth! ang galing-galing mo talaga!".. Sabi naman ni Gareth "Diah, kita mo namang talo aq" sabi ng nanay "Eh bakit sabi sa radio "Championcigarette!"
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May isang malib0g n manok sa isang "farm"

sabi ng kambing:linthek n manok n yan npka libog"manyak!

sabi ng kabayo:uunga pati ang kwawa kong pwet binayo nya kgabi

sabi ng pabo:bwiset n manok n yan sna mangisay n yan!

SABAY SABAY CLA humiling n mangisay ang manok:


....at isang umaga.......

nkita nina pabo , kambing at ni kabayo c manok n nangingisay

sabi nila:c manok o nangingisay

sabi ni kambing:hahahaha!! buti nga sau manok mangisay k dyan!


SAGOT NI MANOK: MGA UL0L PAGKA TAPOS KO D2 SA LANGGAM

YARI KAU SAKIN ;; BWAHAHAHA!
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Misis: Dir, bakit may black eyes ka?

Mister: Paakyat kasi ako sa eskaleytor sa megamall. Napansin ko na naipit 'yung mini-skirt ng babaing nasa nahan ko sa pagitan ng kaniyang puwit. Ini-stretch ko. Tapos, hinarap niya ako at sinuntok ako sa kaliwang mata.

Misis: Naiintindihan ko yon. Pero paano mo nakuha yung black-eye mo sa kanang mata?

Mister: E kasi, akala ko gusto niyang nakaipit talaga yung palda niya, kaya ibinalik ko ulit.
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MISIS: Lolokohin ko mister ko. Magpapanggap akong "pick-up girl" dito sa may kanto namin. (Pagkita kay mister Hi, pogi! available ako ngayon.

MISTER: Ayoko sa iyo. Kamukha mo misis ko!

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Husband: Ang iniiyakan ko lang naman eh bakit gumaganti ka ng kadyot habang ginagahasa ka ng tulisan?!

Wife: Hay naku, Honey...SELF DEFENSE lang yung akin!

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MATANDANG MATRONA: Sa palagay mo, mahal, ilang taon na ako?

D.I. : Kung titignan kita ng sideview, 18 ka lang; kung nakatalikod 16 lang; kung nakaharap 22 lang. Bale total ay 56 sweetheart
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Anak: Dear Itay, padalhan mo ako ng pera. Kasi, ang mga gamit ko, pinagkakain ng daga.
Itay: Dear Anak, wala akong pera. Kung gusto mo, meron ditong pusa.
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JUDGE: isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper, gun for hire, gambling lord, swindler at bugaw! Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay?
ACCUSED: meron po. Pulis po ako.
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THE END!

pedro na late sa klase..

titser:pedro late kna naman!!!
pedro:late po kasi ang relo ko eh..
titser: problema ba yun? edi i advance mo!!
pedro: yes mam!!
titser: o san ka pupunta?
pedro: mam uwian na!!!
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BAKIT GNUN commertial?

Bakit pag sabon pnapakita ung likod ng tao?

bakit pag tooth paste pnapkta ang ngipin??

bakit pag shampoo pinapkta ung buhok??

EH BAKIT PAG NAPKIN AT FEMININE WASH AYAW IPAKITA??UNFAIR DI BA !!?? ^__^
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isang gabi, sa sementeryo... ~~~ GUARD: Diyos ko! kala ko kaluluwa ka! Ano ba kasi pinupukpok mo dyan sa lapida, ah? ~~~NAGPUPUKPOK: Ang tatanga nila! Wrong spelling ang pangalan ko! Inaayos ko lang, sir!
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Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!
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Gina: Halata na ang tiyan mo, bakit hindi pa kayo magpakasal ng boyfriend mo?
Katrina: Ayaw ng pamilya niya, eh!
Gina: Sino ang may ayaw, ang tatay o nanay niya?
Katrina: Iyung misis niya!
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Use CURTAIN and KITCHEN in one sentence.
Aray! Huwag mo akong CURTAIN. Masa-KITCHEN.

Use DEDUCT, DEFENSE, DEFEAT , and DETAIL in a sentence.
DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE. DEFEAT first DETAIL last

Use DEPOSIT in a sentence.
Paki-check nga ang banyo. I think DEPOSIT is leaking.

Use PERSUADING in a sentence.
Kiko and Kikay got married on June 1, 1992 so on June 1, 1993, they are going to celebrate their PERSUADING anniversary.

Use DEVASTATION in a sentence.
I wait for the bus at DEVASTATION every morning.

Use CONCLUSION and OPINION in one sentence.
(Pointing to a door): CONCLUSION, hindi OPINION.

Use PAMPERS and PAPERS in one sentence.
At the gasoline station, I asked the attendant, "Do I PAMPERS or do I PAPERS?"

Use PENIS in a sentence.
Before you go out, penis your homework.

Use DIFFERENCE and DIFFERENCES in one sentence.
If the royal family has a baby boy, he is called DIFFERENCE; if they have a baby girl, she is called DIFFERENCES.

Use IRAQ, IRAN and EGYPT in one sentence.
IRAQ is bigger than a stone; IRAN is faster than a walk; and EGYPT is smaller than a truck.

Use ASSOCIATE in a sentence.
I looked in the toilet and, ASSOCIATE.

Use PAUL five times in a sentence.
PAUL, be carePAUL; you might PAUL in the swimming PAUL and make a PAUL of yourself.

Use HOSTESS in a sentence.
When you annswer the phone, you say, "Hello, HOSTESS?"

Use CUISINE in a sentence.
I hope you studied last night because our teacher might give a surprise CUISINE Math.

Use DEFICIT in a sentence.
Before going into the pool, I always check how DEFICIT.

Use MASTURBATION in a sentence.
Hoy! Finish your food, there’s MASTURBATION in the third world.
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Population policies of countries:

China: Stop at 1 child.
Singapore: Stop at 2 children
Philippines: STOP AT 4 A.M.!

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Husband: Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!

Wife: Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!

Husband: Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!

Wife: Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!
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Misis: Hudas ka! lagi kang umuuwing lasing. Naaasar na tuloy ako sa mukha mo.

Mister: Pero mahal, kung hindi ako lasing, ako naman ang maaasar sa mukha mo!

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Types of couples:

1. Boy Gwapo + Girl Ganda = Nagmamahalan

2. Boy Gwapo + Girl Panget = Pinikot!

3. Boy Panget + Girl Ganda = Tinutukan!

4. Boy Panget + Girl Pangit = Pasensyahan
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Sa isang kumbento, merong isang curious na hardinero. Nagtataka siya sa mga madre na halos araw-araw eh may binubuhat ng kung ano.

Isang araw na nagkaroon ng meeting ang mga madre, sinamantala ito ni Mang Juan at pumasok siya sa loob ng bodega ng kumbento. Nakita niya ang mga istatwang nude. Nang may maramdaman siyang dumarating, agad siyang nag-isip ng paraan . Wala siyang makitang lugar na pagtataguan kung kaya't naghubo siya't nag-anyong istatwa.

MADRE: Saan kaya galing itong isang ito?

MANG JUAN: I am the Statue of Liberty!

MADRE: (Itinuro ang organ ni Mang Juan) Ano naman kaya itong mahabang ito?

MANG JUAN: That is the torch of liberty!

Sa paghimas ng madre ay may lumabas na maputi at malapot na bagay.
MADRE: Ano naman kaya itong malapot na ito?

MANG JUAN: Yan ang Liberty Condensed milk!
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JEEP PASSENGER: manong bayad.
JEEP DRIVER: saan galling?
JEEP PASSENGER: sa akin.
JEEP DRIVER: papunta saan?
JEEP PASSENGER: sayo

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Job interview… .
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis mo, at kung saan nakatira ang kabit mo.
Boss: o cge.. tanggap ka na!
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Lola: DAMUHO kang intsik ka hinalikan mo apo ko!
Instsik: hinipo lola hinipo
Lola: DAMUHO KA hinipuan mo pa!
Instik: HINIPO lola! HINIPO
Lola: Damuho

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Guro: What is 34 books + 25 books?
Pilo: 59 books po.
Guro: Good. Ang 18 + 29 + 30 books?
Pilo: 77 books.
Guro: Very good. Now, what is 950 + 136 + 672 + 490 + 854 books?
Pilo: Ma’am, library po!

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THE END!!